


years i've spent loving you

by Matchaccino



Category: EXO (Band), NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mostly Fluff, Self-Indulgent, im sorry???, like hella, sehun is whipped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 12:42:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17601575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Matchaccino/pseuds/Matchaccino
Summary: Even now, Sehun can't help but think about 'what if's.





	years i've spent loving you

**Author's Note:**

> this is very self indulgent i had second thoughts before posting but i hope you enjoy it anyway

“Just go and tell him already.”

Sehun sighs and lets himself fall to Junmyeon’s messy bed, lying over his sweater that was splayed over the bed. Junmyeon is on the floor sorting the stuffs he’d need for an overseas trip, arranging them inside his suitcase.

“But hyung,” Sehun whines. “It’s not that easy.”

They’re getting ready for another smtown concert and Sehun had been nervous for the past few days. It’s not because of performing in front of a large crowd, he could handle his stage nervousness just fine. But it’s the fact that he would be staying with artists from his company for a few days. And that includes Johnny Seo.

The tall and gorgeous Johnny Seo who he can never erase from the back of his mind.

Sehun had been in love with him for as long as he could remember. He was so whipped that when the day that Johnny oficially debuted came, he almost uploaded Johnny’s teaser image with a long and heartfelt caption on his instagram. He erased and typed his caption for a few times because none of them expressed how glad and proud he is to the point he yelled out of frustration, and end up just writing the other’s name as a caption.

Sehun had worked out his confidence as he grew older but this single Johnny Seo individual could crumble all of it and turn him into a flustered mess.

“You’re the only one making it hard.” Junmyeon sighs as he shuts his suitcase. “We’ve known him for a long time Sehun, you know what he’s like. Youngho is a nice kid and even if he doesn’t feel the same way I doubt he’ll push you away.”

“But that would be embarassing.” Sehun lets out a loud sigh. “And I would never be able to show my face in front of him ever again.”

Junmyeon throws his trousers to Sehun’s face causing the younger to yelp. “You’re being dramatic.”

“Oh my god, please tell me this is clean.” Sehun sits up and throws Junmyeon’s trousers away like it’s radioactive.

“Yah, you little... of course it is!” Junmyeon kicks Sehun’s leg lightly but enough for it to hurt a little. “Did you not hear anything I said? Would you rather continue to mull over this than ask him out?”

Sehun huffs. Junmyeon is right. Even if Johnny did say no, at least he won’t die wondering if his feelings reciprocated or not.

“Sehunnie, you’ve been in love with him for years.” Junmyeon reaches out and massages Sehun’s thigh, something he always does to calm the younger down. “I don’t want this to be a burden on you. Just confess to him, you’ll be alright. After all, there are chances that he likes you back.”

“Stop it, hyung. I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

Junmyeon laughs. “What’s so wrong about it? We never know, after all. Unless you ask him out.”

Sehun sighs for the nth time that day. Right. He could at least try.

“Okay.” Sehun mutters. “I’ll do it when I find the right time.”

\---

The right time doesn’t come easy, as expected.

Sehun just couldn’t have the time to be alone with Johnny. It’s either the younger had someone else with him, or Sehun had someone else with him. But they did caught glances on each other and Johnny would smile at him, and Sehun felt like he’s going to melt.

When they got off the plane Sehun was still so groggy because of sleep, and his legs aches from sitting way too long. He just wants to get on their van and catch some nap when someone wraps his arm around his shoulder.

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead.”

Sehun’s sleepiness suddenly evaporates as he whips his head around and see Johnny, his face only a few inches away. Sehun flinches and steps away, freeing himself from Johnny’s arm.

“You surprised me!”

And Johnny laughs, his eyes turning into happy half moons. Sehun’s breath hitched because Johnny is twice as gorgeous when he smiles, and Sehun could only handle so much.

“I’m sorry. You looked so out of it. Did you sleep well?”

They walk side by side, shoulders almost brushing each other. “I did. You don’t seem like you slept at all.”

Johnny chuckles. “That’s because I don’t. I was too excited so I just watched movies and before we know it the plane already landed.”

Sehun smiles. Even after all this years Johnny is still so excited about going abroad to hold a concert, even though they’ve all done it a few times already. He remembers back in their trainee days when they could only daydream about it, gushing about going on a plane together and meeting fans in a foreign country.

That felt like yesterday, Sehun thought. He can’t believe it’s been years already.

“Make sure you catch some rest in the hotel. Tomorrow’s a big day.”

“Roger that.” Johnny answers in english and Sehun laughs. They eventually part away, going into their respective vehicles.

On the way to the hotel, his members’ loud chatter are only a white noise as he stares outside the window, thinking about Johnny’s laugh.

He’s ridicilously in love that it’s stupid.

\---

Sehun didn’t get the chance to properly see Johnny again, him being too busy with his members and Sehun busy with his own. Sehun always makes sure to watch Johnny when he’s up on stage though, and he held the urge to scream because god how can someone look that good. Sehun is really good at dancing too but something about the way Johnny moves his body puts him in a trance that he could never look away. He didn’t even realize his mouth were gaping open until Jongin came over and poked his cheek.

He heard his member sneer at him but he chose to ignore it. Later on when they crossed paths, Johnny still drenched with sweat but his face expressing utter bliss Sehun wants to run away screaming because that man is so bright, too bright.

He feels himself falling deeper every passing second. It’s scary how every little thing Johnny does affects him so much.

“How long are you gonna stay like that?”

Junmyeon’s voice snaps him out of his reverie. Right now he’s lying down on the hotel bed, fingers hovering above Johnny’s contact on his phone. The second and final day of their concert has ended and now they’re finally resting after a long day.

“Hyuuuung.” Sehun whines, again, and Junmyeon looks like he’s more than willing to shove Sehun off the bed.

“That’s it. Give me your phone.”

“No!” Sehun hugs his phone tight to his chest. “What are you going to do with it??”

“Just give me your phone, Oh Sehun!”

They wrestled for the younger’s phone but Junmyeon was stronger despite Sehun being half a head taller and much broader than him. Sehun could only whine in defeat as he watches the older typing something on his phone.

“There.” Junmyeon hands Sehun’s phone back and Sehun immediately snatches it. “I don’t see why it’s so hard.

Sehun stares at his phone wide eyed as he notices that Junmyeon just sent a message to Johnny.

_to: Youngho <3_

Hey Johnny :) are you free?  
I was wondering if you want to hang out with me  
We could go on a walk or something  
  
(10:00)

 

“I still can’t believe you actually put a heart on his contact name.” Junmyeon snorts and if he wasn’t his respected hyung, he would’ve yelled at him for sure because this is none of Junmyeon’s business. God if only anyone knows how annoying it is to be whipped over someone....

“Why are you doing this to me??”

“What? I even made it to sound like you. You were planning to ask him anyway right?”

“I know that, but—“

A ding of notification suddenly stops Sehun’s rambling, he unlocks his phone right away and ignoring Junmyeon who’s peering over his shoulder.

 

_from: Youngho <3_

Hello Sehunnie!  
Sure, I’m free right now. I’ve been wanting to hang out too.  
Meet you at the lobby in 20 mins?

(11:02)

 

Sehun texts a reply and got up immediately, searching the room for something acceptable to wear. He doesn’t want to seem like he’s trying too hard, so he just whips out a sweater that was the easiest to reach from his suitcase and a mask, he probably doesn’t need one but just in case. He tidies his hair a bit and reaches for his wallet and phone.

“You’re not gonna say goodbye to me?”

Sehun huffs and walks towards Junmyeon, cupping his face and squeezing  his cheeks a little. Junmyeon just laughs and swats the younger’s hands away from his face. “I’m going now, hyung. Bye bye.”

“Bye.” Junmyeon waves. “Don’t forget to use protection!”

Sehun walks back to smack Junmyeon with a pillow before finally stepping outside.

\---

“Sehunnie!”

Sehun almost drops his phone when he hears the familiar voice and he turns around to see Johnny walking towards him, a huge smile on his face. Sehun smiles back and he hopes that it doesn’t look forced at all because he’s so nervous for some goddamn reason.

“H-hey.” Great. He stuttered. “We haven’t got the chance to talk properly.”

“Oh yeah. Been wanting to catch up with my favorite hyung.” Johnny grins.

“Shut up. Since when do you even consider me your hyung.” Sehun snorts and hits Johnny playfully on the chest. The younger laughs and nudges Sehun lightly by the shoulder.

“So where do you want to go?”

“There’s actually a park I passed by that I wanted to check out.” Sehun was thankful he paid attention to the road on their way to the hotel. Asking Johnny out but not knowing where to go would be embarassing.

“Sure. Let’s go.”

\---

Their walk wasn’t quiet at all, both of them having so many stories to tell. Although it is never awkward with Johnny around, the younger has the ability to make people around him comfortable. He just feels so... welcoming. He feels like home.

This just feels like their old days, whenever they felt worn out after a long day of practice they would go out on night walks. Just the two of them, talking about whatever happened that day. They weren’t able to stay outside for too long because they were minors, but neither of them has to worry about curfews now.

“Hey, do you remember?”

Johnny pulls the hood of his jacket, Sehun noticing that he tied the strings into a bow. “About what?”

It was already late, the night breeze chilling their skin. Sehun shoves both of his hand inside his pocket for warmth. He lets out a breath that turns into puffs of smoke. It’s probably going to start snowing soon.

“We used to try sneaking out the dorm a lot. The hyungs always caught us and told us off to bed.”

Johnny chuckles. “I remember. And sometimes they’d even put us in the same room so that they can watch over us.

“Yeah.” Sehun smiles at the memory. He and Johnny would whisper about how the older trainees suck and fell into a fit of giggles, until they got scolded for joking around instead of sleeping.

He remembers the way Johnny’s eyes would crinkle as he laughed breathlessly while hitting Sehun playfully. His shoulders would shake and sometimes he’d fell over when he laughed too much. It didn’t change and whiile some might find it annoying (or scary because he’s a 190cm giant flailing his arms and hitting everything around him) Sehun finds it endearing.

“We promised that we would stay up all night together the day we’re both adults, right?” Johnny says. “There’s no such rules in the states, you should’ve just came with me and we could do that immediately.”

Sehun nudges Johnny with his shoulder. “Junmyeon hyung would kill me.”

“Since when do you listen to your hyung so well?”

“Yah, I’m not that much of a brat.” Sehun furrows his eyebrows. “Why do you think of me so badly?”

Johnny shrugs. “Good luck dealing with 8 older brothers. I only have one.”

You could’ve had 9, 12 even, Sehun thought.

When he met Johnny for the first time, he didn’t knew there was someone younger than him. They met in the summer, when both of them were young and clueless. Sehun wasn’t used to not being the youngest, so he told Johnny to speak casually with him.

Sehun was not good at being an older brother and he himself admitted that, but he was good at being a best friend. He often dragged Johnny into trouble but the younger never allowed him to felt guilty, always laughing it off at the end. Johnny cried a lot and Sehun did too, some night they spent stiffling their tears away under their shared blanket, not saying a word but holding each other’s hands tight.

When he heard that Johnny decided to finish his education instead of debuting with him, Sehun felt a pang in his heart. That night, only Sehun cried. Johnny only held him close and apologized for god knows how many times.

Even now, Sehun can’t help but think about the ‘what if’s. What if Johnny didn’t left? What if Johnny debuted with him in the same group? What if they fulfilled their promise and spent the younger’s first day of adulthood together? What if they stayed by each other’s side? What if Sehun had the courage to tell Johnny what he really felt?

“Youngho.”

Sehun stops walking and grabs the younger’s wrist, prompting him to stop. Johnny turns to face Sehun. “What is it, Sehun?”

For some reason Sehun can’t lift his gaze. He stared at the younger’s hand, the almost worn out edges of his jacket. He’s had this one for years, it was way bigger for the younger back in his trainee days. Now it seems to be a right fit, almost hugging his tall figure perfectly. Johnny had grown so much and he wasn’t by his side, he didn’t watch as he grew from a crybaby to a strong reliable hyung in his own group.

“Sehunnie? Are you not feeling well?”

Sehun finally meets Johnny’s gaze, his brown eyes filled with worry. The dim park lamp illuminated his feature; his parted brown locks, his well defined jawline, his honey brown eyes and his lips. Sehun had wondered of how they taste like, how he dreamt that kissing Johnny would felt like rainbows and daydreams like how kissing your first love would felt like in cheesy romance books.

But he could only dream.

“I missed you.” Sehun finally choked out. “So much.”

 Johnny’s expression falls.

“Of course I... understand and respect your decision. It’s not your fault and I don’t want you to apologize anymore. I know I’m being selfish but I just... miss you so much.” Sehun lets out a breath and runs his hand through his hair. “I keep on thinking about the old days and I really wondered what’s it like having you around again.  I wish you were there when I stood up at our debut stage. I wish you were there during our first music show win. I wish you were there when we first won our daesang. I’ve been having all these happy memories without you, even though we trained together and you worked as hard as we all did..”

Sehun sucks in a breath and bites his bottom lip. Tears are already threatening to start falling. “We left you alone and I hated that. I wish they could just add you to our group or something. I just want... you to be with us.”

With me.

Sehun isn’t able to say the word out loud.

Johnny pulls Sehun into a tight hug and the older reciprocates, wrapping his arms around Johnny as he leans to the younger’s shoulder. They have both grown much taller but they’re still in the same height, Sehun notices. He can still lean on Johnny the same way he did back then.

“Please don’t feel sorry.” Johnny ran his hand on Sehun’s back soothingly. “I thought about my decision and it was for the best. My parents wanted me to graduate and so I did. It’s not your fault you debuted early.”

Sehun pulled away a little so he could see Johnny’s face, he is smiling but there’s something in his expression that Sehun can’t fully decipher. It almost feels like longing.

“I’m happy right now.” Johnny adds after a beat of silence. “I get to be the hyung instead of the youngest. Everyone is nice and they listen to me well. I love all of them so much but...”

Johnny’s voice trails off. He chuckles before he continues. “Does it sound cruel if I say it? Of course a part of me wants to be with exo too. Whenever I see you guys on the stage I wondered what if I were there. I miss you guys a lot too.”

Johnny pulls away and steps back. “But I’m perfectly happy with where I am now. And I’m sure it’s the same for you.”

“God.” Sehun scrunches his nose. “Sorry for being emotional out of nowhere. I didn’t invite you to hang out for this.”

“Hey, it’s fine.” Johnny pats Sehun’s shoulder. “Are you glad you finally got that out of your chest?”

“Yeah.”

“Then it’s all good.” Johnny smiles, still as warm as ever. “I’m... glad too. I didn’t know you thought about me that much, Sehunnie. Thank you.”

Sehun doesn’t answer.

The man is in front of him but Johnny feels so distant. He couldn’t do it when they were able to see him everyday, too unsure of his own emotions. But now Johnny is right there and he could just close their distance, something that might pull them closer or drive them further apart.

But Sehun won’t leave room for hesitation now.

He takes a step closer and before the other could question it, he presses their lips together. It’s not even a proper kiss yet, just Sehun testing the waters. He expected Johnny to pull away any second now, but instead the younger places his hand on Sehun’s nape, kissing him back.

Johnny’s lips doesn’t taste like rainbows and daydreams but he does taste Johnny’s lip balm. It’s sweet, probably craneberries. He also tastes a bit like americano, god knows how manny cups of coffee he had downed today. Sehun is content nevertheless.

He cups Johnny’s face, deepening their kiss. He kisses him slow and soft, relishing on the prettiest pair of lips he has ever seen. Someone could find them and it won’t be pleasant, but neither of them seemed to care. After all, they’ve dragged each other into countless mess. They could always work their way out of it. Everythink he can think of is Johnny, Johnny, and Johnny.

Sehun pulls away and suddenly the world around them comes back to sight again. Their foreheads are still pressed together and they fall into comfortable silence, before laughing contentedly like the burdens on their chests are finally gone.

“I’ve always wanted to do that.” Sehun whispers.

“Really?” Johnny’s eyes widens in surprise. “How long?”

“Since I first met you.” Sehun snorts. “Nah, that’s too cheesy. Somewhere when we were teenagers. I don’t know.”

Johnny chuckles and his lips curls up into a sheepish smile. “Honestly.. me too.”

Sehun cups Johnny’s face again, swiping his thumb against Johnny’s plump lips. Sehun wants to nibble on them, imagining how pretty Johnny’s swollen red lips would look like after he kissed the life out of him.

“Let’s go somewhere private. I want to kiss you again.”

Johnny just laughs as he lets himself get dragged by the hand.

\---

Sehun forgot that he’s sharing a room with Junmyeon so Johnny drags him into his room instead, Sehun capturing Johnny’s lips into a kiss as soon as they stepped inside the bedroom.

“Your roommate?” Sehun asks before kissing the younger again.

“Jaehyunnie,” Johnny manages in between kisses. “He told me he’ll be over at Taeyong’s room. I told him not to go back tonight.”

“Oh?” Sehun places his hands on the younger’s waist. “You want me to stay all night?”

“Maybe.”

Johnny leans forward and nibbles on Sehun’s bottom lip, his hands roaming on the other’s broad chest. He tugs at Sehun’s shirt, asking for permission and a squeeze on his bicep tells him to go on. Soon enough both men had their shirts off and Johnny’s back hit the matress, Sehun on top of him.

Maybe they’re going too fast, but Sehun couldn’t care less. They’ve known each other for years and he doesn’t have the patience to go on dates first and all that. Sehun wants Johnny, and Johnny wants Sehun. Nothing else matters.

Sehun’s knee presses against Johnny’s crotch and the younger groans, involuntarily rolling his hips. Sehun lets out a breathy chuckle before leaning down on him again, nibbling on his skin but careful enough not to leave marks where it would be seen, slowly moving lower. The younger still have schedules over this and he doesn’t want Johnny to get into trouble. Maybe next time.

Sehun’s stomach flips at the thought of him hoping for a next time. He likes Johnny and Johnny likes him back, so it’s totally fine right?

“Wait.”

Sehun stops as his mouth reaches Johnny’s hip bone, leaving a kiss on his v line before looking up. “What is it? Do you not want this?”

“No, it’s not that.”

Johnny sits up and tugs at Sehun’s arm, asking him to do the same. Sehun complies, though a bit confused. Johnny cups Sehun’s face and caresses it gently, before leaning in to leave a chaste kiss on the older’s lips.

“I love you.” Johnny says. “I just thought I’d say that.”

Sehun blinks. He knows that Johnny is so in love with the idea of being in love and he’s definetly the romantic type, but this is just...

“I love you too.” Sehun presses a kiss to the younger’s forehead. “I love you. God, I can’t believe I can finally say this.”

Johnny laughs and intertwined their fingers together before kissing the back of Sehun’s hand, the gesture making Sehun whimper. “Me too. Took us long enough, huh?”

“Stop it.” Sehun half heartedly pulls his hand away. “You’re going to melt me.”

“Please don’t. Not yet, at least. I still want you inside me.”

Sehun snorts and shoves Johnny until he’s lying down again.

“Gladly.”

\---

They don’t talk about it much the next morning, Sehun kissing Johnny goodbye before heading back to his own room. Junmyeon shoots him a knowing grin when the younger walks into their room but Sehun chooses to ignore him.

“So.” Junmyeon shuts his suitcase and propped his chin on his hands. “I’m assuming it went well.”

Sehun smirks and tugs at his collar to reveal a purple mark on his collarbone. Junmyeon fakes a gasp and Sehun just rolls his eyes.

“I guess you kind of owe me.”

“Fine. I’ll treat you once we’re back in Korea.”

Junmyeon lets out a victorious whoop and Sehun just sighs. He is grateful at his hyung for being able to put up with his shit, though.

Later on, they were all ready to head to the airport and fly back to Korea. That’s when Sehun feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. There’s a message from Johnny, even though the man is standing only a few meters away from him,

 

_from: Youngho <3_

So like are we a thing now  
Like yknow  
Boyfriends

(08:25)

 

Sehun smiles as he types a reply.

 

_to: Youngho <3_

We definetly are.

(08:26)

**Author's Note:**

> ok i really. REALLY love this pair. i thrive off every single bit of interaction, every crumbs are like a whole full course meal for me. and tbh i've seen people talking abt them but there are barely any stuffs dedicated for this pair so here i am!! heres my [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/sehoulmates) if you wanna talk about anything. thanks for reading!


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